Windows: Combat Evolved: a Halo Satiretech · · 3 min read
What would Microsoft’s Halo video game series be like if it involved Microsoft itself?
Halo tells the story of 26th century humanity, which has organized itself under the auspices of the United Nations Space Command (Microsoft). Humans are fighting a losing war against the Covenant (Apple), a theocratic collection of alien races that worship a long-dead alien species called the Forerunners (pre-2000 Macs). Already, many colony worlds, including the military stronghold Reach (IBM), have fallen.
In the Beginning
In the first game, Halo: Combat Evolved, a lone starship (Windows XP) crash lands on a mysterious Forerunner ringworld (Best Buy) that is thought to be some kind of superweapon. Its human survivors, including the superhuman cyborg Master Chief (Bill Gates), fight the Covenant for control of the ring (store). However, the Covenant accidentally release a zombie-like parasite known as the Flood (Android). It is discovered that the purpose of the halo is actually to cleanse the galaxy of all sentient life, thereby depriving the Flood of all possible infection vectors. The Chief then destroys the ring and its Flood infestation before returning to Earth (Redmond, Washington) to warn of an impending invasion by a new Covenant fleet (the Intel Macintosh).
The Story Continues
In the sequel, Halo 2, the Covenant locate and invade Earth. Despite a valiant defense by the UNSC Home Fleet and Earth’s orbital defense platforms (Windows Vista), a single Covenant carrier punches through and lands at New Mombasa, an African metropolis. With the Master Chief’s help, the UNSC destroys most of the initial assault. However, the carrier makes a hasty slipspace jump to Delta Halo, another halo installation (New Egg). The Covenant and the UNSC once again battle for control of it. Meanwhile, the Chief assassinates a key Covenant leader (Steve Jobs) and the Flood are once again released. This sets off a complicated chain of events that leads to the primary warrior race of the Covenant, the Elites (Mac OS X), seceding from the theocracy. They are opposed by the new warrior race, the Brutes (iOS).
The Elites make a temporary truce with the humans to stop the rest of the Covenant from firing the halo ring. They succeed, but all rings are put on standby, ready to fire remotely from a location known only as “the Ark” (Amazon). The remaining Covenant leadership plan to bring the entire fleet to Earth and uncover a major Forerunner artifact (iOS 7).
In one of the worst cliffhangers in gaming history, the Master Chief stows away and prepares to “finish the fight.”
Finish the Fight
Halo 3 opens with the Chief jumping from the ship and landing outside the ruins of New Mombasa. He helps the UNSC (Windows Phone 7) launch a last-ditch attack against the Covenant excavation site, but they fail to put a dent in the operation. The artifact is activated by the Covenant; it turns out to be a portal to the Ark (flat UI design). The Elites and the UNSC (Windows 7) follow the Covenant through the portal to stop them from once and for all. After an epic three-way battle, the Master Chief kills the Covenant leadership and blows up the Ark to eradicate the Flood. Unfortunately, his ship fails to make it back through the portal in one piece, and he is left stranded in unknown space.
A New Era
Halo 3 was followed years later by Halo 4, which is intended to begin a new Halo trilogy.
In Halo 4, the Master Chief crash-lands on a mysterious Forerunner planet called Requiem (Power Mac G4). The UNSC Infinity (Windows 8), a massive capital ship commissioned after the war with the Covenant, attempts a rescue mission, but instead finds itself trapped in Requiem’s gravity well. The Chief helps to free it, but accidentally releases an immensely powerful Forerunner warlord known as the Didact (Steve Wozniak). The Didact intends to take a Forerunner ship to Earth and wipe out humanity with the Composer (Mac OS), a Forerunner weapon that allows him to turn sentient beings into his own soldiers. However, he is stopped in the nick of time thanks to the efforts of the Chief and the Infinity.